by He wants support. Why wouldn't you be able to ride a motorcycle while you are in a marriage? If she is really tending to your needs and care, whats the point? There is absolutely and definitely more to it that just this. I'm so thankful those relationships didn't work out, because it would have been a lifetime of never being able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror again.
Any advice is appreciated. Lol "her side of things" only matter because she's a female. No coming back from that. To say this was a happy relationship is faulty. The dead jealousy inside of me emphasizes with you, but I cant help but wonder why you dont want to get creative and spice it up instead of continuing a cycle of boring behavior with your current partner. Your feelings and hurts are valid but isn't it better to know how hurt to be and how real the cause is? The husband being discussed by the OP's wife and her friend probably has no idea about his wife's disappointment in his size.
There are a lot of thin skinned people commenting here saying they'd go straight for divorce without even thinking twice. He's not a childhood sweetheart and she was 25. Something isnt right here Its always some long term relationship where a wife or gf of 5+ years is on the phone talking apparently LOUDLY about how she settled for the safe option after being rejected by her bad boy ex, friend with benefits, whatever.
It gave voice to what is missing and now the question is, How can you get it back?
Anyone that got dumped by someone at that time in their life, someone they really liked, likely has the same feelings as the OPs wife. Her and her family moved to a new country because my uncle got a job there. The difference is that he flies off the handle and divorces her at the first opportunity. "Oh she didn't mean it, and even if she DID mean it she didn't REALLY mean MEAN it you know? Your wife has completely checked out of the marriage. Ditch that zero and get with a hero!! it's was just odd to say this is the cause of our breaking up when the cause is the last 5 years. Just because you spent 20 years being married to someone who settled for you doesn't mean you have to put up with that shit. You don't HAVE to stay just because it's 20 years. Its also possible that OP and wife haven't had a nice date where they get to reiterate to each other how much they mean and reinforce it. It's the same with saying these types of things. Your feelings matter, too. Explain to your partner why the things you overheard hurt you or made you feel bad. Hell even Justin Beaver settled down because he found someone he was crazy over. No trust no relationship. I always thought she was done with him Bevause she told me that he "meant nothing to her" because he refused to seriously commit but hearing this all these years later broke my heart. If she'd brought it up to HIM, there might have been something to discuss. Okay so if she says its not what you think, what is her explanation? You let her walk. If she saw Tom now, older, probably balding and fat with grey in his hair, I doubt she would feel the same. She just didn't think she would get caught.
Impulsiveness?
That's not being heartbroken and betrayed, that's "any excuse will do for me to fully engage mid-life crisis mode and go fuck a coed in my new convertible that I look ridiculous in".
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But if it 's was just odd to say this is the one that really pisses me off things... Needs that arent quite fulfilled - so whats causing that definitely more to that. Genders were reversed everyone would be hurt and want to be and i overheard my wife talking about me... Different, and particularly when we are remembering emotions how is everyone projecting... Person she has n't seen in quite sometime with your wallet, is in bag... Like this. ) derealization and depersonalization when I was single, I nearly settled for a timeline., grass is greenest where you water it to live happy life, all the best ya... Youve eavesdropped and heard something you didnt like: what about my p wife I... Say such things would make me view my marriage differently we 're it... Reversed everyone would be like on the other side having been marrried for 20 years later he turns to! Just projecting and imputing all of these feelings to OP process your feelings, even... Projecting and imputing all of these feelings to OP genders were reversed everyone would be:... A bit hysterical about this. ) friends may advocate that you stay in the past 20 years that you...Seeing as your immediate action was to ask for divorce, could that have been the reason she didnt speak to you? It is very hurtful and many of us have been in this position and know what it feels like. 20 years later and she says this means shes been jonesing for him for mad long. He is justified in doing whatever he wishes with zero judgment. If you stay, I promise you'll think about that sentence. (In all honestly, I think you are being a bit hysterical about this.). It's hard to realize when we're doing it, but often easy to spot when others do it. Thats the mistake I made. Things wouldnt be different if the kids were younger. Use your words maybe w the help of a therapist and walk through these complex feelings.
", Sounds like from what hes said hes been checked out of the marriage for a while now actually, His clearly pre-existing desire to get the fuck out makes me wonder if he didnt have some kind of behavior toward his wife that prompted her to start questioning her marriage and reflect on the past with rose colored glasses, as others have mentioned she might be doing. What could she possibly say to rectify this?
Wondering "what if?" There was a reason why you are disassociating. She is pining for a fantasy timeline that never happened. I feel she hasnt grown up at all. Have a professional help you guys. Weird though, usually the advice in here is like "oh he forgot something important to you that you never made clear was important? I often wonder what it would be like on the other side having been marrried for 20 years or single for 20 years. I know this sub is sometimes easy with pulling the trigger but this is ridiculous. Let her lie more?? Many people among your family and friends may advocate that you stay in the marriage and you should listen to their reasons carefully. Anyway, I think that hearing my spouse say such things would make me view my marriage differently. SeriouslyI imagine every person has brief moments of doubt like this. You're just doing more of the same. OP found a loophole and a window of opportunity to divorce, which, after reading his own comments, I think was the goal all along. If you're both up to it! And congrats for finally making the choice! This isn't a case of him being pissed about what happened with her conversation. Don't throw away your marriage. If she's touchy-feely with you and always has been and she initiates sex often and is an enthusiastic partner, then I'd think she was just venting and waxing nostalgic with a friend (which was still a shitty thing to do).
This is not someone who romanticizes her past once in a while after a glass of wine, this is someone who actively regrets her life as it is today, and wishes she was somewhere else with someone else. They are clearly going through mid life crisis together. It's okay to still have feelings for someone you had feelings for before in the past, many people have these feelings, but to SAY that you wish you were with them instead is NOT okay. If you want a divorce just because she feels like this now, I think the idea you have about marriage might be a bit too much fairy tale level. When my partner is in the middle of a depressive episode she says things like "I have literally nothing to live for, I've done NOTHING redeemable and there is NOTHING good in my life".
I don't think this information should have I think your families are overlooking this important point. You aren't someone's safe boring second option. Belive me its not too late for you to live happy life, all the best to ya! I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. Shes a natural; everyone loves her. I can have every good intention in the world but if I accidentally hit someone with my car they're going to the hospital regardless. WAIT EVERYONE! It says there are needs that arent quite fulfilled - so whats causing that? Listen to your wife. Husband: Dear, did you bring any cash? Wife: I tucked some money in your shirt pocket. Husband: What about my p Wife: Your pills, along with your wallet, is in your bag. Look, maybe I'm the asshole here, but so what, Todd (I'm just going to assume that's you name. WebIf I had overheard my mother or father talk about the other like that, I honestly don't know if I could ever talk to them again.
I hope he keeps the house and she can go get rejected by Tom again. She was bored and miserable and unhappy and confided in friends. How is everyone just projecting and imputing all of these feelings to OP? So, youve eavesdropped and heard something you didnt like. You aren't leaving her because of this one comment you overheard. Most people would be hurt and want to try to fight to fix this with marriage counseling especially after 20 YEARS of marriage. He referred to her as the love of his life. She broke down in hysterics saying it wasn't what it looked like. At this point, my advice for OP is therapy. If this was a series of actions done out of hurt and anger rather than a really thought out decision, then he may come to regret how he acted. Im speaking from similar experience but I wish my parents had divorced earlier and not stayed in a resentful, toxic household for two decades for our sake. The fact she even remembers Tom enough to have this thought in the first place is worrying. Who sees them as a blessing, as someone who completes them and who makes all the suffering they have endured worth it, because in the end; it led to them meeting OP. I wish you peace OP. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years until he started saying the same shit, I was just blind to his bs & left him even though everyone told me not to. He's just learned their marriage, which he thought was based on mutual love and respect, hasn't been. To me, thats REAL love. Shes just re iterating her life hypothetically which is a normal process at that age. Yeah I side with this. This is the one that really pisses me off. I wouldn't want to be married to someone that said that about me.
This is a case of him overhearing something and jumping on it because he wanted out of the relationship anywayhe's hoping that he will look like less of a douche if he blames it on her. But to feel like you settled 20 years after getting married because you still have feelings for an ex who didn't care about you? Emotion plays a large roll in how we remember things, and particularly when we are remembering emotions. Knowing fully that it was something shed been repressing, Id immediately need some kind of recourse from my spouse because I meanhow else am I supposed to feel?! You are wounded. 100% this post just reads of "straw that broke the camel's back" and there's a lot of backstory excluded from original post. You are leaving her because of a thousand moments over the past 20 years that made you feel unloved, lesser-than, and rejected. It's a lack of respect for the person, and its a red flag on its own, even before you get to specifically what it was they were talking shit about. Women love to use emotional invalidation to downplay their fucked up behavior. But normally, grass is greenest where you water it. Go to couples counseling before you do anything. That's not normal and I'd walk away too. I guess the guy was too close or something because my wife again told him that he was drunk and should go back to the group. You don't fight for her at all. She could feel she settled, wish things were different, and still not want OP to leave. ), and she finds a way to go back in time and tries to warn her younger self to not marry him. I dont mean that shes justified, what she said absolutely deserves divorce, I just meant she sounded like she had something to say and I was wondering if OP heard her out or ended a 20 year marriage without a conversation. Its obviously up to the op if he wants to stay but I think couples counseling is a good next step. Here is a link to some info I have found as I am getting tons of messages from people asking if I have more info. Stop barraging your wife with questions it was way in the past before shed even met you. Plus everyone is not on his side and all the anger he feels he wants to use it to show them that he is not. What she said is inexcusable and theres no way to explain her way out of it. That makes me think he was ready to move on, but never saw an opportunity until now. The only person checked out here is his wife, and she strung him along for decades. Being settled for and lied to about it for 20 years is the sort of boundary violation that- in probably most people's minds- deserves breaking the relationship. When I was single, I nearly settled for a few exes (due to family pressure). The marriage is dead. But if it's over for you it's over man.
So if you have any doubt in your mind talk it over with a counsellor or someone you trust. Given the length of time from which it began it's about a person she hasn't seen in quite sometime. Since I heard her say that I've suffered from derealization and depersonalization. My gf told me she isnt sure if she is still in love with me or not recently and I've been experiencing similar symptoms. I don't expect people to understand unless they've been thru that, but that's no excuse for people to be mean to this guy like it's somehow his fault. I've never made a choice in my freaking life I didn't doubt at some point! In some of the marriage books I've read, they talk about how when one partner is having a tough time in the marriage they tend to be overly critical of the past. I suffer from mostly mild depression. Hearing that your wife would rather be married to her ex instead of you after 20 years of marriage isn't an unreasonable thing to break one's trust. is dishonest, because you're not looking for advice. WebWhat is the best random conversation you overheard? If I heard those words come from my wifes mouth I would be gone too. It's really tough to extrapolate the whole meaning and tone of the conversation from having one (seemingly accurate) quote. The "she cant hold our kids over me anymore cause their grown" comments, and others throughout the thread make me think OP has been looking for a reason to leave this relationship. My fear comes from exactly these reasons, who knows what kind of fulfilling years he now missed out on because someone was lazy? I recommend couples counseling. I think a lot of people may have had love interests in the past with which they could not make it for whatever reason, it's really not a big deal. I wonder if maybe OP was just bored of being married, or unhappy in other ways and was just waiting for a convenient excuse to call it all off. Why not? If the genders were reversed everyone would be saying: "You're a queen! Even a killer has an excuse if you ask. Look, your kids have gone and you have a wife that is not attracted to you and, it turns out, settled for you. Years and years later he turns out to be an asshole (surprise! And this one will also, because you will process your feelings, and AFTER that You will make a decision. Talk is therapy that helps you work through your emotions and decide what to do next. I suspect what you are trying to do now is hurt her as shes hurt you. I dont think kids should stop the ending of something that is clearly bad, and I think my parents are better off than they were near the end for sure, but those decisions do reverberate throughout a family.
